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Love and communication important during teen years

News Herald – Juliann Talkington

Juliann

Parents and teenagers live in different worlds with different pressures and perspectives, so communication between adolescents and parents can be strained. Here are a few strategies you can use to minimize conflicts during this challenging time.

Use humor.
Humor is an effective communication tool, because it breaks down barriers and commands attention. Disguised as fun, humor can be used to teach, introduce new ideas, share beliefs, and implant knowledge.

Listen.
Perspective and practice make a big difference. The way an adult perceives a problem is often very different from the way a teen views the same issue. What seems like a life catastrophe to 16-year-old may seem insignificant to a 40-year-old.

As a result, teenagers often have things to say to adults, but get frustrated because they do not feel like they can express their concerns and feelings. Epictetus, a Greek philosopher who was born in the 1st Century, might well have been instructing 21st Century parents when he said, “We have two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

Keep it short.
Teens are perceptive and smart, so a few words go a long way. No one wants to feel like they are being lectured, so it is best to say it once.

Compliment.
The way we speak can often result in the outcomes we are trying to avoid. Comments and instructions couched in negative language, with excessive use of words like “don’t”, “never”, and “no” may lead to poor behavior. Instead try to focus on the positive things your teen does.

Prepare and Allow.
It is easy to view your kids as younger than they are. As teens age, they need more responsibility. Adults who continually enforce rules that do not acknowledge demonstrated capacity for independent and responsible behavior, can alienate teens.

Wait.
If it isn’t an immediate health or safety issue, it is sometimes better to wait for the right moment to discuss a problem rather than force a discussion at a poor time.

Connect.
Your kids internalize and interpret everything you do. They read your face, posture, voice, and stance. They subconsciously search for physical cues to what you really feel about them. Make sure they know they are loved, respected, and appreciated.

Even though the transition from child to adult can be challenging, love and open communication can make the journey easier for everyone.

Preparing kids to change the rules

News Herald – Juliann Talkington

Juliann

U.S. children are less creative than they were 30 years ago. Many people attribute this decline in inventiveness to over-scheduling of organized activities and emphasis on high-stakes testing and rote learning. These factors may be part of the reason children are unimaginative, but minimal exposure to “failure” and limited life experiences also keep U.S. kids from reaching their full creative potential.

To create, a person must be comfortable “failing” because “trial and error” is part of the innovative process. Many U.S. children are uncomfortable with “failure” because they have little exposure to it. In many cases, well-intentioned parents shield their kids from life’s tough lessons, because it is easier to solve problems for their children than to spend the time and energy necessary to help their children learn how to solve problems on their own.

Among other things, parents negotiate with coaches to get their children places on the best teams rather than encouraging their kids to work hard and talk with the coaches themselves. Parents talk with principals to negotiate grades rather than forcing their children to take responsibility for their performance. Too frequently, parents complain about “bullying” when another kid says something unkind on the playground rather than teaching their children how to overcome negativity.

As a result, the first thing parents need to do is set expectations and let their children learn by doing. This requires letting go and being available to coach as their children work to recover from life’s setbacks. Through this process children learn that there are consequences to actions, “failure” is a part of life, and success requires perseverance. Specifically, when things don’t work perfectly the first time, one can make adjustments until “failure” becomes “success”.

Another problem is parents are so worried about safety, that kids are isolated. This means children often lack the exposure required to come up with innovative solutions to a problem. Parents can easily address this issue by encouraging their children to take on activities outside of their peer group. Simple undertakings like participating in discussions with adults, welcoming a foreign exchange student, attending a history lecture, teaching a class, volunteering at the hospital, or working on a special project for a politician, all help broaden exposure.

Once children know how to recover from “failure” and have a broad understanding of how the world works, they should have the skills and the self-confidence to innovate.

Helicopter Parenting Can Lead to Impulsive, Unkind College Kids, Study Says

Education News – Grace Smith

“Overbearing parents are putting their children at risk for health issues and poor future parent-child relationships, according to a new study by researchers at the University of Vermont. Their report suggests that other detrimental effects occur from parenting that controls and manipulates children, including children being stressed and unkind to their friends…A questionnaire, which was used to establish levels of parental control, showed that the more controlling parenting led to higher levels of aggression, and having parents who were less controlling pointed to children who were less aggressive.”(more)

When will we let our kids be kids again?

News Herald – Juliann Talkington

Juliann

With the 24 hours news channels and the Internet came “heart string” news –abductions, poisonings, and severe medical maladies from common activities as well as “expert” opinion on health, education and safety issues. Combine this barrage of information with a generation of busy parents who waited longer to marry and have fewer children and there is fertile ground for paranoia.

 

This paranoia has led to “super parents” who want a perfect world for their children. These are the parents who want webcams in classrooms, complain about bullying if there is a disagreement on the playground and refuse to let their kids ride a bike, because they might skin a knee. These are also parents who will do homework for their kids, complain when their child gets a deserved “C” and believe their child’s poor behavior is the teacher’s fault.

 

Technology has removed the geographic and time barriers to education. Students can listen to lectures real-time or save them for later viewing. Textbooks are available in electronic format. Groups can meet electronically for academic exchanges. Exams can be given electronically and will become accurate assessments of student proficiency as security issues are resolved.

 

Thankfully there is a metamorphosis under way that appears to be rolling back the “insane” over protectiveness and over investment of parents. The new movement goes by many names — slow parenting, free-range parenting, simplicity parenting. The message is the same. Less meddling is better and failure can be helpful. If parents really want their children to succeed they need to learn when to let go.

 

In early 2008, Lenore Skenazy, a journalist with the New York Sun, generated controversy when she let her 9-year-old son ride the New York City subway alone. The newspaper column she wrote about the event started dialog about what constitutes reasonable risk.

 

In a recent New York Times article on overparenting, Nancy Gibbs argues that we have lost our ability to assess risk. There are no reports of a child ever being poisoned by a stranger handing out tainted Halloween candy and the odds of being kidnapped and killed by a stranger are about 1 in 1.5 million. Yet we have no fears about driving our child to school when the lifetime odds of dying in an automobile accident are about 1 in 100. Ms. Gibbs asserts that, “by worrying about the wrong things, we do actual damage to our children, raising them to be anxious and unadventurous.”

 

According to Barbara Minton, psychologist and published author, “Children need to be guided, protected, and provided for. But this doesn’t mean that children should be coddled and spoiled.”

 

Instead effective parenting requires a balance between emotion and science and a willingness to let go so a child can learn and grow.

 

Former Stanford dean explains why helicopter parenting is ruining a generation of children

The Washington Post – Emma Brown

“Julie Lythcott-Haims noticed a disturbing trend during her decade as a dean of freshmen at Stanford University. Incoming students were brilliant and accomplished and virtually flawless, on paper. But with each year, more of them seemed incapable of taking care of themselves. At the same time, parents were becoming more and more involved in their children’s lives. They talked to their children multiple times a day and swooped in to personally intervene anytime something difficult happened. From her position at one of the world’s most prestigious schools, Lythcott-Haims came to believe that mothers and fathers in affluent communities have been hobbling their children by trying so hard to make sure they succeed, and by working so diligently to protect them from disappointment and failure and hardship.”(more)

How Schools Are Handling An ‘Overparenting’ Crisis

NPR – Anya Kamenetz

“Have you ever done your children’s homework for them? Have you driven to school to drop off an assignment that they forgot? Have you done a college student’s laundry? What about coming along to Junior’s first job interview? These examples are drawn from two new books — How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott-Haims and The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey…I asked them to join me for a conversation about the problem — and what parents and schools can do about it. What is the core of what’s happening with kids and parents today? Lahey: After three years of research and a lot of soul-searching, here’s where I’ve ended up: Kids are anxious, afraid and risk-averse because parents are more focused on keeping their children safe, content and happy in the moment than on parenting for competence.”(more)